Are we here again?

Oh god.
I am finally starting to feel better. Hopeful, even a little bit.
I should be so lucky.
I remember when I felt like I was the luckiest person I knew. Even when I was probably in the lowest depths, I felt lucky.
Isn't it funny now, that I feel like I have the worst luck in the world. I LOVE Brad so much, I am SO happppy with Us. I love my pets. I LOVE them. They are the best things that have happened to me, besides Brad. and Ella.
But I just have pretty much never been unhappier. Is it because I am not drunk 5 days out of 7? Is it because I am living my life the best way I know how? Wow.
Huge revelation.
Okay. That is pretty lucky.

hmphh

My rabbit hates me and rightfully so. I fostered the two other school rabbits over spring break and it really stressed her out. Now she is hiding behind her little bin instead of chilling in it. I don't blame her. I was selfish and wanted to take the other rabbits, because I love Gantor and I thought that BunBun wouldn't mind. She did mind and I could tell right away, but I jumped into something that I didn't think through. I cannot see the hand in front of my face. I feel like I just want to crawl into a ball and stay there, so the things that I touch don't turn to shit. I know a lot of this is my depression. I just learned that my depression could very well be due to the fact that I have VERY low iron (almost anemic) and part of that could be because I don't absorb B12, well when I think back, I used to eat dirt when I was a young child, and that could be "pica" which is a sign of low iron. I really think that my depression, weight gain, sleep problems, irritability could all be due to my low iron/malabsorption of B12. WHY on earth did it take so long to see this? One - It is impossible to find a Dr. in Alberta. Two - I believe that my family overlooked most of the things that may have been distasteful to them. Three - I was used to overlooking things and believing I was healthy when in fact it took my whole life falling apart for this to come to light.
I look forward to making changes. I am so sad I have wasted this much time being so utterly hopeless and utterly depressed.
I feel like I have lost myself.
I am angrier with my family than I have EVER been. EVER.
I do not want to become the person that goes around blaming them for my shitty life and I don't blame them, I blame myself. I DO blame them for trying to make me think for one MINUTE that I actually deserved a shitty life.
I now openly dedicate my life going forward to being who I lost, who I know that I am. Proud, Strong, Kind, Loving, Compassionate, Loveable, Fun, Energetic and HOPEFUL.

So.. What?

So. Now What.
Happy Fucking December. My hair hasn't fallen out, but now I realize I have to fucking deal with Christmas. Poor Brad. He asked me what I am planning on doing... I don't know. I love his family. But they aren't my family (thank god). Fuck.
Fuck
Fuck
I hate the whole buying presents. I hate it. What about respect, what about treating people with kindness. I always do, 9 times out of 10, unless someone is not nice to me.
I fucking hate this time of year. I hate it. I hate it. It makes me feel so sad that I can't even quantify it. It reminds me of everything I have lost. For 11 months of the year, year after year, I can pretend I don't come from anywhere, that I have no family, like some alien dropped on the face of the earth. Fucking December. Fuckit.
I am no fucking shape to deal with this.
I love Brad. I love his family. I hate Christmas.
FUCK

Hot Air

So fucking funny, I resigned, respectfully from the "job" that is killing me inside and the hot airbag I work for told me that "I interview well", after all, they did "choose" me out of all the other willing candidates. Lucky me, they offered to pay me $6,000 less than my last job. Also, they pulled the rug out from under me and totally ass fucked me on my offer letter - promising a $5,000 bonus... until you read the fine print. So when I applied for other jobs (TWO) and one of them WANTED me, and wanted to pay me my worth, I guess he felt that he had to put me in my place. SO FUCKING FUNNY.
Yes, it pisses me off, but only because I subjected myself to his misguided mysognist racist bullshit.
I still leave with my dignity intact.
Imagine, me decide?

Freedom of Speech

I so have freedom of speech, because I know that no one reads this.
Where I work, it is prohibitive. It is sterile, it is no fun.
I guess I can blame myself for expecting what I deserve. That will ALWAYS bite me in the ass.
I FUCKING HATE THIS "city". I HATE it here. This place is a fucking joke.
I hate it so much that I hate myself

phooey

Okay, so what the hell is my problem? I am so off my game, I feel FOREIGN to myself. I don't feel like myself at all. Where is the strong, confident, glamazon? I have become a tired, cranky, scared whale. I don't know what happened, or how it happened.
I am really out of it. I am not unhappy, just not happy. I am not depressed. I am indifferent. My job is just like all the other jobs out there. The work is fine, I am not unhappy with the work. The people are nice, just not welcoming. I feel completely out of touch, like a complete outsider. I am so over it. I am no longer joining in. I am so over extending myself for nothing. Being contract is a double edge sword. You are not in, you are not out. I just am. I know that I am better off where I am, but I am so OVER being underpaid. SO over it. It is totally bashing my confidence.
I have been sick for 2 months. Like really sick, unwell. Really unwell. I have had a nonstop cold for 2 months. I went to the doctor and they had nothing to offer. I am trying to self medicate, trying everything, but I just can't get over it. I had a run in with an individual at work, and it really affected me. I went for a counselling session and the counsellor was a total nutso who did not listen to me totally screaming for help. I feel alone, I feel like I want to withdraw further into myself. I reach out for help and it is like I get a fucking kick in the pants. I don't know how to fix myself, I don't even know where to start.
I really just want to be alone. I am so grateful for Brad, he is amazing, but this is a lot for him, I can't even vocalize what my problem is, how is he supposed to know. I feel stranded.
I still hate this city. The only reason I am here is Brad. I know I need to embrace it but I don't know where to start.
I want to go out and try a class or join a gym but I am terrified of being taken advantage of, meeting weirdos, and then kicking myself for trying. Pretty self defeating cycle, eh? Everything since I left Calgary has been a bad decision. I don't trust myself anymore. EXCEPT FOR BRAD, of course. He is my saving grace, but that is a huge responsibility and it is not fair. We still have so much fun together, but I have been sick for so long, that all I want to do is rest and try and get well and nothing is working. I am so tired.
I don't know what to do.

P.S. This is seriously the saddest thing I have written for a long time. I am not depressed, I am sad and broken.

What I am

What I am these days is content. even happy.
I was having a really tough go of things for awhile. Jobless. the prospect of having to move. I thought that I was where I was exactly a year ago.
It was a year ago on August 10th that I got fired from CNRL.
I would never believe that it would set off the chain of events that it did. I didn't know that I had surrounded myself with such false securities. I don't have any of the friends that I did a year ago. But part of that is due to my own walls. I didn't let people really know me. I was so lonely and unhappy and incredibly lost.
Even though I don't have any close friends at the moment, I have all that I need in Brad. He is my best friend. He gets me. He is so kind and good. We have so much fun together.
I can't believe that since I left Calgary I have not missed ONE day of work, due to drinking, being hungover.... I mean I can believe it. My life is not about numbing my feelings. I still struggle with some darkness, but there is so much less to be sad about.
I have a family now. I have Brad, I have Peanut and Pirate and Ella and Bun Bun. I am really good at being a pet mama. I am really good at being with Brad. We have a healthy, functional and above all, FUN and respectful relationship.
It is amazing how your life changes when you have found the ONE.
I am so blessed.
Anyway.
That's all for now.
Shout out to my family. Brad, Peanut, Pirate, Ella and Bun Bun.

Pee on you

This is so flipping funny. RKelly apparently likes to pee as part of his lovemakin.
LOL

Welcome to 9 months

Well my dad used to say that 9 months was my gestation period. I used to quit my job every 9 months, dump anyone I was seeing and just generally, start over.
Well I have been in Edmonton 9 months.
What do I think?
I love this city because I got to start fresh; because I met the LOVE of my life; because I was insulated;
I have frustration with this city because it thinks it is a big city. It is so small town in so many ways, not that I am the woman of the world, but jesus christ people!!! Do ANY of you take a look in the frickin mirror before you leave?
I work with gardeners and janitors.
Kangaroo hoodies every friday.
Jeans and runners whenever
And I work in a swanky downtown office.
I can't leave because I am too scared to go back down the rabbit hole in Calgary. and Brad is here. He is the one.
I am balanced and happy in every way that I never have been, but all the other shit I used to be able to handle has gone to hell in a handbag.
I hate being a secretary. I don't get paid enough in this godforsaken town.
and they raised my rent by $200/month.
which would be okay if it was up to snuff.
I just don't know.
I don't feel stuck, I am just like. WHAT THE FUCK
I am in the exact same place I was last August. (Well, with the exception of meeting the love of my life, my bad!)
About to be homeless. and jobless.
What is wrong with my choices?

I am so happy with Brad and our relationship
but in all other areas I am a bitter secretary.
FUCk FUCK FUCk


Not the end of the world.
just a blip
Edmonton is fucked.
Not in a bad way, in a weird NON CITY way.

anyway. enough.

Shout out:
to the HOT pets!
P2 are so flippin hot!
Pirate is melting daily
and Peanut is just mad

Word for the Week:
FABULOUS.
What other choice do I have????

VICTORIOUS

So.
Quitting yet another job.
I have to admit, I feel defeated.
What happened to the cat with 99 lives?
Well, I guess for one I am tired of landing in a "better" job in a field of work that I hate.
I need to put my thinking cap on and figure out what makes me happy.
I have taken 2 toxic jobs in a row. I used to know how to call them. But I think because I am so over it, they all look the same to me.

They don't have the best of me.
I never gave it to them.

Thank god for Brad. And Peanut and Pirate and Ella Beans.
Brad is the love of the life. He is the one.
I am so blessed.
I am so used to being independent (ALONE), self sufficient (NO ONE).
Now, Brad is taking every step to reach out to me and support me.
I still feel like I have to do it alone, but I need to suck it up, say thanks and take his help.

I always figured once I found some balance that my life would be perfect. Or at least content.
It just makes me see how little I accepted as the status quo.

On the other positive note, I have a new friend!
He is from (soon to be ex) work, but he is the only other person in Edmonton that I have connected with and is a stellar individual.
I will miss working with him but know we will be friends.

Brad and he have met and he is happy (Brad) that I HAVE a friend besides him. LOL.
Anyway...
NEXT.

I FUCKING HATE BEING A SECRETARY.
IT KILLS ME INSIDE.

My friend's got a girlfriend and he hates that bitch!

Yes folks, more karaoke.
Brad and I had the whirlwind Saturday night on the long weekend. We went to: The Stonhenge (the stonehouse, we call it the Stonehenge, it is across the street from Brad's), The Druid, the Rose Bowl (they were supposed to have karaoke, but don't) and then Rosario's, the original scene of the karaoke crime, sang one song each and then went dancing at the local cougar/slime bar (the Gas Pump) and danced. LOL. It's not bad in that, it is not snobby and no one has any pretentions about themselves and the music does not TOTALLY blow, AND it is in the hood.

My car is back in the shop for the third time. I hope to god it is fixed. I am mostly so frustrated for counting on anything. I would have been so much happier without one. Brad has been a godsend and drives me when I need groceries, or crafts or pet stuff, but I have not done proper clothing shopping since January. But since I am such a fat whale, i guess it is just as well.

So what is happiness anyway. I have SO much going for me, but of course, WORK is so sucking my ass in so many ways, that I am SO thinking of leaving, but for what, the next place may suck worse in different ways than this place does. At least my supervisors admit that it sucks too, which in a way is good, but in a way bad too because they know it is not going to change anytime soon.

I need to go back and work at daycare. Doggy daycare that is, but of course, that is for like $8/hr, which means I will have to eat chinchilla pellets and bird seed and you do not want to feel the wrath of Peanut! (there's no goodness in Peanut!)

Okay, so - so far I am fat and unhappy in my job. I have been thinner and really lonely. I don't like being fat and I WILL do something about it. the job thing is really just going to suck for awhile (until I get out of this line of work). So... I need to make a decision. I need to change my point of view, but not lower my standards. That will NEVER happen.

Anyway, Brad the WONDERBOYFRIEND and LOVE OF MY LIFE and BEST FRIEND and I are going to Calgary this weekend. I am determined to just have fun. and we will, Brad and I have the best fun, he makes me laugh so much.

I got a hoola hoop for exercise last weekend, well I think Brad and I laughed way more calories off watching each other TRYING to use the thing than we did using it.

Okay, I am starting to feel better. Fat and unlonely is better than anything that I have had. Now I just have to work on the fat part.

Word for the Week: Beans, cause Ella Beans is the BEST beans....

Shout out to: BBF, Ron, PMC2

Can you keep it up?

Okay. So we went and did Karaoke again on Saturday night by our own selves (brad and me). We had fun, we had a fight beforehand, but managed to salvage the night, which is amazing. We are both pretty committed to our points of view, so the fact that we could get over it in time to to go out was cool. In general, we do not fight, we manage to work through things and talk them out. Brad is my biggest cheerleader, and I am DEFINITELY his. I think he rocks the casbah, among other things. So anyway, we went to go check out a new place (to us) in the hood and we had a few beverages, sang a few tunes. Then it took 4-EVER to get a cab. There was this guy that had a really weird looking car but all the guys outside smoking were like, totally into it. So needless to say after several wobbly pops I blurt out to the guy "Those guys totally want to jizz on your car, man!" and Brad was like laughing his ass off and the guy was like, "umm, thanks..."... LOL... Luckily I did not get beat up by the guys standing there, it was all surreal and hilarious. Like, why was the guy at the karaoke bar at 2:00 in the morning, cruising around the parking lot in his Kit car. So dumb. ALso the karaoke bar was weird. It was cute and cozy and seemed pretty busy, but no one was watching the performances... Like, I am the bar star, get with the program people. Well, I am SO not, but I like to think I am.
Anyway, work is sucking my ass so bad, I am SO not into people with low to no standards. I am trying to get on with me thing, but am SO demotivated it is not even funny.
I should not be a secretary anymore, it bites my ass.

Anyway, enough 'plainin for now.

Ciao.


Word of the Week: POUCH... Another word I like to say and it has many useful uses.

Shout out to Ella (we are going to stuff you with potatoes!) and P2.... and Brad the Wonder Boyfriend who is my inspiration, best friend and most handsomest good looking.

I'm bringing blogging back

Okay, I know I have not been writing regularly. I am gonna try to keep it up. Sometimes I am just enjoying my life and don't have anything to complain about. Nah, that can't be right, I always have something to complain about.
Like my lack of friends, it is my own fault. I don't want any. No, it's hard. I think it is harder finding true friends than it is finding relationships and this is coming from the girl who was single for FIFTEEN years before Brad the Wonder boyfriend....
The pets are great, they continue to make me laugh daily. I have seriously thought about getting another pet, but I feel like I am away from them too much already. They are independent like the mama, but they need love and attention too.
Miss Ella's toes are bothering her again, but she went to the vet today and is going to undergo a radical diet change. Dog food! Her granny and pa take great care of her and she is so loved, just needs a dog food diet. She is so loving and has such a good heart. I had a HORRIBLE weekend last weekend, someone treated me really badly and I cried so much my face swelled up (my lips and eyes), but Ella came over and administered some special dog love and I felt better, but did not look better! Her and I had some special "girl" time and it really helped.
Brad has spring break next week, I am jealous, but happy that he has a lot of Brad and Ella time. I am going to take a day off and hopefully we will all chill and have fun.
I see my shrink tomorrow. I am having a hard time with balance. Work is upsetting me, for stupid reasons. I feel in a way, that my life is not my own, I am just not used to sharing it, but would not have it any other way. Brad is my shining light, my best friend, the answer to my questions.
I just need balance.

Okay, Question:
Is there anything that you regret that you think would have changed your life, if you could do it again?? Leave anonymous comments

Now that you are a "grown up", how did you envision your life differently?
I will leave my answers in the comments.
and they are random!

Word of the week: Thermos... another word I like to say.
Shout out to God, for my gratitude and all my blessings. I just have to remember them.
Thanks to Ron, my funny friend at work who makes me laugh.

We're all on our way out - Act accordingly

That line is from the Departed. I liked it, it can be dark or it can mean, grab life by the horns. Life is good, Brad and I are totally loving on each other. Ella Beans is the best dog in the world and we have been seeing much more of her. My new job is very good. I love my 3 directors, they inspire me.
Sometimes I think that I am not happy unless I am complaining, but that is not really true. I think I am just getting used to my new life. If the people I know now, knew me when I was in Calgary they would not believe it. I was so unhealthy and desperately lonely and unhappy. I am no longer any of these things.
Brad is my best friend. We laugh so much, he helps me to lighten up and I think I help him to not accept less, he is so kind hearted, sometimes people want to take advantage of that, but he has not lost any of his kindness.
He helps chill me out and he listens. I don't want to go back to my surface friendships, I want real relationships. I am having a hard time meeting people in Edmonton, but to be honest, I have not really tried too hard either, I was so disappointed by the complete lack of support from my former friends when I got fired, I am still a little gun shy. I am making my way though.
I know that I am blessed and have a good slate. I am grateful.

Word of the Week: "Am I look like Peach?"... LOL

Shout out to the P2. (That's P squared for Peanut and Pirate, the loves of my life - and of course to Spartacus, Mama's best boy who is in my heart forever)

Geek Love

Well, it is DEFINITELY Love with Brad. How do I know? 1) I cooked for him (I offered), I cleaned up and I brought dessert and beer; 2) I bought tickets to see some worm group perform, with little prior knowledge as to what these worm folk do.

I bought Brad, the wonder boyfriend tickets to the "Arrogant Worms", I knew he liked them and I had heard a couple of their songs, which I thought were cute. I didn't realize to the full extent what they "do". LOL. They are 3 canadian guys that tour Canada and sing "novelty songs". Some of them are funny in a cute way, but 2 hours worth was about 1.5 hours too much for me. The audience went CRAZY and were doing actions and stuff, it was really weird. Let's put it this way, there were tons of teenage boys there.

This was not a random thought, I did this for Brad for Valentine's Day, I also cooked the dinner and bought him some memory foam slippers, he gets sore feets from standing all day as a teacher.

I was so happy to do it and I am even happier I don't have to see the arrogant worms again. I just find stuff like that over the top, I can enjoy it in small doses. I like the "I pulled my groin" song and I liked the "Pirate" song because I got to make pirate noises, even though that was not one of the audience participation bits, but I liked it, so I did it. LOL.

Brad was generous enough to let me admit that I didn't love it, I love him enough that I was happy to be there with him and genuinely went with an open mind. I love that Brad likes what he likes and doesn't care what others think, not that these guys aren't popular, they have put out 11 albums and there were tons of fans there, but they are not chart toppers.
I love that Brad loves me even though my favorite music genre is "cheesy top 40 sludge". Give me a radio and I am happy. (sick, eh?)

The title to this entry does not refer to Brad being a geek, although he does have some geek tendencies. "Geek Love" refers to our own little "groovy kind of love".

So, happy valentines day SUCKERS!

Love is gonna get ya!

Word for the week: LEOPARD - the guys at work thought I said that I had a Leopard when I said I had a lovebird, but I did tell them that she is as mean as a leopard. But she is MY leopard/lovebird and I love her. Also, a Leopard can change her spots! I am IN LOVE!

Arrrrrrr!!!!!!!

Life is waiting for you....

So, I have not been writing because I have been living my life. I am really happy right now, and so glad that things are going so great with Brad and me. He has been working really hard at expressing himself and it is doing wonders. I am so proud of him.
We went to Calgary to celebrate my birthday on the 20th of January, it was fun, low-key. Only 3 people showed up, but that was fine, and I had a great time, Brad and I were home in bed (hotel bed that is) by midnight and I was content and happy and not drunk or hungover the next day. Wow! What a great feeling. It made me realize how much I do NOT miss my old life and my unhealthy ways. I have a life now and it does not revolve around getting loaded and being lonely. I am spending my free time in healthy ways, doing crafts, taking care of myself and seeing Brad. We have been seeing a little less of each other, which is actually good. I know that I look forward to seeing him when I do and we make an effort to always have some type of activity planned, even if it is just hanging at home and cooking (eek! - I am learning to cook and enjoying it- what the H is happening to me?) or watching movies with the fabulous Miss Ella. She is such a great dog, I really love her. She gets thoroughly spoiled on love when she comes to town and she has her great life on the acreage too. She is such a good girl.
I am starting a new PERMANENT job tomorrow. I am really excited, nervous and looking forward to making a big positive impact. I will be supporting three directors who currently don't have an assistant, so it is all good. I am so happy to not be giving my money away to the stupid agencies anymore and to have some realy stability.
So WOW, 40 is great so far. I am truly blessed.

Word for the Week: VIBRANT - a word I get a lot, but yah, I am feeling it and not just acting happy. YAY.

My Socks are missing!

Because Brad KNOCKED MY SOCKS OFF!

It was my 40th birthday yesterday. I have been looking forward to my 40th, pretty much since my 30th and then all of a sudden on the weekend I started getting huge nerves. I felt like I had to be so much more mature or grown up somehow. However when I woke up yesterday morning, I just felt really relaxed, happy and proud to be 40.

Brad and I had some major struggles at New Years and right after. We spent New Year's Eve apart, each home alone and miserable. Major non communication and unhappiness and then on New Years day we kind of broke up. It was AWFUL. I love Brad and didn't want to break up. Brad then left the next day (Jan 2) for a wedding in LA and even though we came back together and both said we wanted to be together, the timing was awful. However, it worked out well, I enjoyed my time alone and then I missed him, which was really good too.

We eased back into making a go of it and had a great conversation last weekend, we cleared the air and I think became even stronger. I was able to sleep through the night with someone else in my bed for the first time EVER!!! Which was great. (yah, major intimacy issues, but I think those are history now).

So for the birthday yesterday, well, where do I start? Brad made reservations at a little euro-Asian restaurant down the block from his place. It was a nice place, but it was HILARIOUS, it was all these ANCIENT people with like walkers and stuff. I was like, what kind of joint is this? But the food and the atmosphere was nice and we had a nice time.
Then we went back to Brad's place, I walk in the door and saw a few presents on the floor, it looked like 4 or 5 and I was like "wow, someone went overboard!" then I went to the washroom. Okay, so I come into the living room and there are FORTY individually wrapped presents of all shapes and sizes. I was absolutely SPEECHLESS, which alone, is a feat. It took me 2.5 hours to open them all. INSANE. Needless to say, I was a crying mess. Brad went above and beyond. All the things he got me, were so well thought out and really showed me I was on his mind and how well he knows me. I have never had anyone do that for me. I got all kinds of beautiful silver jewelry, earrings, rings, necklace, bracelet, some GREAT books (even cookbooks) and kitchen stuff and some tools (YAY! - I am surprised how excited I am about tools!) and he gave me a binder with his writing, short stories, how LOVELY. I am really excited to read them all. He is so smart and clever. AND he wants to take me on a trip... Like, CRAZY.... I am STILL overwhelmed.
I took great pride in going into work today and telling people when they asked that my boyfriend got me FORTY presents... How insane is that.
The best part is that I am feeling really secure again and positive with where Brad and I are and where we are going. Getting presents is great, but the fact that he put so much thought into it was just so wonderful. I feel loved.
We are going to Calgary this weekend, should be interesting. I think it will be mostly low key, we are just going to the Rose and Crown, my old haunt, but Brad has not met any of my old Calgary friends, so it should be fun.

Yay for FORTY!

Word for the week: COUGARIFIC - it's official, I am a full on cougar. Life is good.

Good Riddance 2006

Well, here it is New Years Eve 2007 and not a moment too soon.
Brad and I still don't have plans.... But as long as we are together, that is my idea of a good start to the New Year.
2006 was sure not what I thought it would be, I would not wish what I went through on anyone, but I must admit, I am not only older, but wiser and I think a better human being.
I care for myself more, have healthier boundaries and lifestyle and a new home and for the first time, I am in love... I guess that is more than anyone can ask.

I look forward to turning 40 in a couple of weeks, but I really feel like I need to grow up some more. I don't know why, I am not irresponsible or immature, I just feel like life should be more serious at 40? Is that nuts?

Some resolutions: Lose weight, get in shape, dress up more, have more healthy fun and not be such a bitch.

Hmm, we'll see.

Christmas came and went and I survived. I went to Brad's parents' place and it was quiet and relaxing, although meeting the parents on Christmas Day is a little stressful, but I think it went well.

That's all for now.

Happy New Year everyone.

No word for the week. Just stay healthy and happy.

UPDATE: I am staying home ALONE on New Years eve. I could not be more unimpressed, uninspired and completely disillusioned.

ALMOST

Christmas is ALMOST here, which means it is almost OVER.... HOORAY.
My stomach has been upset all week.
I am definitely going to Brad's parents' place for dinner, I think it will be really nice. I will be nervous though, I will be meeting his brother and his mom for the first time.
I had the DELIGHT of meeting the Lovely Miss Ella Toes last weekend. I like to call her Ella Bella Sasquatch. (long story). She is SOOOOO sweet and loving. She LOVES the papa and she didn't sneeze at me either.
She has the cutest little dog belly.
She really has a sweet little personality and is a good hearted girl. So lovely!
I didn't think I could like Brad more, but meeting Ella Bella sealed the deal!
Last week Brad had to make soup for his turn at the weekly soup day for the teachers at school. He was so cute, he found some nice vegetarian recipes (yummy ones), wrote out all the ingredients, bought all the ingredients, had to do a Christmas family night at school and then come home after to cook the soup and promptly forgot both recipes at school. It was already after 8:00 so he decided to make the soups from scratch! One was a chile pepper soup and one was a mushroom/barley soup. I can't beleive he did it! And they both were really good and the ladies at school wanted the recipe! What a guy! He cooks!
I have to cook for Christmas, the deal is you bring 2 dishes to the Glenn house. I am probably just as freaked out about cooking as I am about Christmas. LOL, this should be an adventure. EEK!

I cannot wait for the whole deal to be over with and then just get to my 40th already! WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!

Well, if you are reading this, then please have a Warm, Loving and Merry Christmas!!!

Word for the week: SNORT! The name of my future pug.... Hercules McSnort to be exact.

Meh...

Urgh. I hate Christmas. but i love Christmas. Well I used to love Christmas. I love what Christmas is supposed to be about. Giving, loving, being with those you love. I have the WORST screwed up feelings about Christmas, at least my hair is not falling out anymore. Up until about 2 years ago, my hair used to start falling out in September and I had really thin hair at Christmas and I don't even celebrate Christmas. I know that all the screwed up-ness is from my family. It is just constantly shoved in your face that you should be with your family. And I used to LOVE christmas sooo much when my mom was alive, she made it so special and it really was about being together. I also hate the commercialism, it totally sucks. I am HAPPY to not get Christmas Presents. I like to give them though...
Every year (except 2) in the last 15 years I have been alone on Christmas. I am lucky enough that people always ask me for Christmas but it is just a huge reminder of what I have lost. I have kind of made peace with it, but I still have no clue whether or not I am going to Brad's for Christmas this year. I know, I seem like I am looking a gift horse in the mouth, but my feelings are not going to change over night and I don't know if I will feel better or worse. It is a positive thing, but rife with unknowns. I have discussed with Brad just coming over for Christmas Dinner with his family. I am really seriously thinking about it.
I am currently sitting here working on my (sometimes) annual Christmas CD. I am loving the music, but it also makes me sad. Blah. Blah Blah... Of course my shrink wants me to journal about Christmas, but on top of not feeling well enough yet, I told her I am doing enough by making Christmas gifts, and by considering going to Brad's, if she really knew me she would know that THESE facts alone make it a Christmas miracle itself.
Okay, enough bah-humbuggery. ...
Pirate went to the vet and we special ordered the "SPECIAL" pellets he prefers. Of course, he has expensive taste and you cannot get these pellets in stores, but he is sooo worth it.
Brad, the wonder boyfriend is amazing and so wonderful, I am still truly blessed.
Of COURSE, I am not working... Blah that stupid goverment job was a joke. I HATE temp agencies.... Urgh. I don't even want to think about it.

I still have not met Miss Ella Toes, but I cannot wait to molest her.

All is fine. I need to get over my own self. sigh.

Word for the week: FEARLESS - what I hope to be once again... Now I am more on the mouse side and I hate it.... ACK to pussyfooting... BLAH ACK, MEH! and FEH! okay...

I am grateful for all the love I have right now... I REALLY need to get over my own self....

Bah Humbug... or not?

Well, lot's new. I am working again, although this is only my 2nd day and already I am blogging from work... I am temping at an Alberta Government job, alas, the opportunity to seduce the canine and play on the internet all day. I guess it is good to start out slow, but this is a bit much... Oh well, I should not complain, at least I can "handle" it. I was a bit concerned about coming back to work to soon, but I might as well get paid to do nothing. I know that sounds negative, but I am just really still ambivalent about the whole thing.
On a really happy HAPPY note, Brad the wonder boyfriend told me he LOVES me too! I was shocked, surprised and surprised at HOW HAPPY IT MADE ME!!!! So that is AWESOME... Brad just moved into a new place, he was supposed to move the weekend before last, but the guy (landlord) ended up being a real weasel and idiot and is now dicking around with Brad's deposit, but hey, SUCKS to be him (the weasel landlord). But Brad's new place is WAY better than the one before, it has style, charm, underground parking, hardwood floors, a dishwasher and is right close to all the necessary amenities and me. (yay!) and Brad's work. (yay!) AND Miss Ella Toes can come stay on weekends. HOORAY! I have not met her yet, I am terrified she is going to growl at me and hate me!!! EEK! I did meet Brad's Dad though, he was a totally cool guy and very sweet. I dug him.
Brad has asked me to join him for Christmas at his folks place. Which is so sweet and thoughtful. All my friends are like "DO it! Are you crazy?!" and of course I am freaked out by the whole thing. I think it is so generous of him to ask me, and so lovely of his family to have me, but of course, Christmas in general is like a nightmare for me.... I am seriously considering it, at least going for dinner later on. I don't know about the whole presents thing... But, how nice to be considered... Really. SO NICE!
Otherwise, I am pretty much feeling good, I am about 75% better. My new meds are working well and I seem to be pretty much back to normal, except I have a bit of an "inside voice" and that is good. I suppose. I don't have to act out at EVERYTHING... LOL.
Miss Peanut was STILL laying eggs, so the MEAN mama took away the Peanut Hut (aka happy hut), I just don't think it is healthy for the wee girl to lay all those eggs!
Monsieur Pirate is going to the Vet next week to get all his bits checked out. He is just over one year old. Awwww! I love those guys soooooooooo much.

So, all in all, life is pretty good. I am Blessed.

Word for the Week: PANTHER... cause I like saying it. It just trips off your tongue. Mrowr!

The "L" Word....

Well, I did it, I took the plunge... I told Brad, the wonder boyfriend that I love him. It was scary, but good, I had felt it for a little while and sat on it for about a week. I realized it when I went away for the weekend to Calgary, and being away from him just solidified it for me. I really missed him and I was reminded of all the great things about him. He is so compassionate, kind, funny, smart and so much more. His kindness really does it for me, he genuinely thinks about things. Don't get me wrong, he is still a guy's guy and can be totally clueless sometimes, but that's what is perfect about him. He is not a ball of mush, he is a real man with real emotions and also a guy's guy. I guess it is kind of weird. I am almost 40 and have never been in love before, I thought it would be all flowers and romance and all that stuff, but I am so glad it isn't. I know I can depend on Brad and that he has my back. He takes care of me when I need it and I take care of him when he needs it. I love spending time with him and we have so much fun together. He 'gets' me. Which I cannot even believe. After all this time I wasn't sure it was going to happen for me.
I am still just enjoying having a boyfriend and am in no rush to hurry along the relationship, I am just enjoying this new part of my life. I don't really care where it goes, I am not goal oriented in the relationship area. I would rather be with someone I really enjoy than worry about where we are. So that is good.
Eek, can you believe it? Me? Love? AAAAIIIIEEEEEeeeee....
On another happy note, I am starting to feel a bit better. I am not falling apart at every little incident, I am not back to my old self yet, but am feeling a little stronger every day. I can't wait for my 40th year... 39 started off great, but man, overall it has SUCKED but I am learning, which is good.

Word for the Week: FLOOMP!! and floomp! ... What Pirate does when he finds the perfect position on his favorite stuffed toy, he gets in position and then "FLOOMP" he flops on the toy and then his ears go "floomp". It is the cutest thing EVER!!! I can't even stand it!!!

P.S. no more eggs from Miss Peanut... yay...

Sex in the EX City

Ugh. I worked at the Taboo Sex Show with my friend from Fort McMurray last weekend. The show was in Calgary and it was a killer... I have never seen so many people that should NOT be having sex in my life... Every fat guy and girl, lots of old people and he/she's... So strange, but whatever, live and let live, as long as I don't have to have sex with them. It was so harsh...Calgary is sooooo not home anymore. I don't even like being there. It feels foreign and icky to me. Plus I worked my buns off and didn't know what I was doing, that was harsh too. Believe me, I commend anyone that can do that, but its not for me. I guess if it was something I was passionate about, it would be different, but I kind of volunteered to help without thinking about it. It was a lot of output with very little payback. I did get to see a friend of mine, which was awesome, we did not hook up last time I was through town, which I was bummed about, but we were able to spend a few hours together catching up, so that was great, he said he would try to make it to Edmonton for my 40th in January... (AIIIIIEEEEEE!!)

Other than that, I am still exhausted, depressed and getting a WHOLE LOT OF NOTHING done... I know I am making progress, my shrink says so, but day to day is pretty bad. I cannot focus, have no motivation and hate leaving the house. Luckily, I don't have to work right now, but soon enough, it will be another thing to stress about. Good news, Brad needed to move right away (less than 3 weeks notice) and was really stressed about it, understandably, but he found a place that is even closer to mine than the last place and also, he has underground parking and BEST of all, he gets to keep Miss Ella there on the weekends (his best four footed gal). I can't wait to meet her.
Things are going well with Brad and I. We have our moments, but all in all, things are great. He is so kind, thoughtful and such a good man. I really am crazy about him and still hot for him. YAY 2 months! that is like a record for me. And I still think he is the bees knees and supremely pounceable.
Miss Peanut is doing well, she has layed a couple of more eggs, but she seems content. The vet visit went well and she is all healthy, but a bit underweight.. Not for lack of eating though. The vet thinks because she has been laying eggs. I am not freaked out anymore and kind of glad to have a boy and a girl now... Pirate is as adorable as EVER.. that kid is so freaking cute, it is not even funny.

Word for the week: SCRAM! in honor of Miss Peanut

Sex? what sex?

Okay. I have been freaking for a whole day now. Like FREAKING.... I have had the Wee Peanut for 2.5 years... and last night, I found out that PEANUT is a GIRL... The kid has been laying eggs. ... I am still totally freaked out... What kind of crazy bird starts laying eggs all of a sudden? after 2.5 years??? I have been talking about my 2 boys (Peanut and Pirate) and everyone knows I have two sons..... OHMIGOD... I still can't take it in. I am taking Miss Peanut to the vet tomorrow. I am sure he/she is fine, but I want to make sure he/she has everything he/she needs since he/she decided to come out of the closet.... I don't know why I am so conflicted. I guess I liked being the only chick in the house.... and the only bitchy chick at that... LOL. Poor Miss Peanut... I got her/him a "happy hut" a few weeks ago and at first he/she ignored it, then sat ON it for a few weeks, and then finally went IN it and started laying EGGS.... Oh MAN.... I am like so freaked out. I don't love Peanut any less, Peanut is still Peanut... (there's no goodness in PEANUTS!)... so weird, eh???
I have been teasing Brad that I am going to make him EGGS for breakfast... that is the only joy I have been getting, is grossing him out with the thought of eating Peanut's eggs, for breakfast..., for one thing, as IF I would cook him breakfast... LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
anyway...
Good news: I am FINALLY going for Walk & Groom orientation at the Edmonton Humane society tomorrow night... then... DOG LOVE, here I COME! I am PSYCHED to molest some fur babes...
Other than that, I am still not working and not even remotely close to ready to be working... Looks like I will be taking November off. Once I am back on my feet, I will be raring to go, but the time is DEFINITELY not now.
My bird and I are having an identity crisis. I am sure that Peanut is not having any kind of crisis at all, just the mama is. Maybe Peanut has just had PMS for the last 2.5 years... maybe that is why he/she is the one man/woman band of SCRAM!!!!!

Word for the Week: Grace - What Peanut and I will need to live in the house with another woman.... urgh.

Happy F-ing November

I give up. the more I try the worse it gets. I am done with giving a damn, it doesnt seem to matter.

I wish I was an ASSHOLE then I wouldn't give a damn.

The (bird)Boy becomes a (bird)Man!

Zowie...A huge first! My wee one man band of SCRAM! has grown into/out of puberty! He bathed himself!!! OHMYGOD!!! This is the silly little bird that just stands there with his eyes open and hates it when you spray him with his very expensive "Bird Rain" (really!) and then proceeds to NOT preen! He is such a goon, that Peanut. So anyway, I was away for the weekend (more to follow) and when I got back Sunday night, after I refilled his water dish, he went for his very own bath in the drinking water?!?!.... I was like, IN SHOCK... He doesn't even preen his own self on a regular basis, I always call him a smelly teenager and then spray him with Bird Rain. and THEN if that is not enough shock for the Mama, he proceeds to HUMP his HAPPY HUT.... I am not sure if it is a happy HAPPY HUT, but the little terror was riding it for all it was worth. Sniff, my little bird freak is growing up... tear. sniff. LOL!!!!
Brad and I went to Chateau Lake Louise this last weekend. We drove up to Calgary on Friday night (Brad had his last subbing day on Friday) and then we stayed at the Hyatt downtown. We got an upgraded room because they were out of king size beds, but it was a nice room and a nice big bathroom and YUMMY! free breakfast buffet. WOO HOO. The two older Caribbean gentlemen seemed to take a liking to me, and I told Brad about how men think "brown" girls are hot in bed, when in reality we are "STARFISH" (Just lay there)...LOL!!!!
The next day we drove to Lake Louise. We had a couples massage booked at 2:45 PM and check in wasn't until 4:00 PM but we were able to get in early. It was SOOO wild. I had made a super swanky reservation on their "GOLD" floor, we had our own private check in, check out, private lounge with honor bar, private hors d'oeuvres and made to order omelettes and deluxe contiental breakfast. It was INSANE!! Something I wish I could get used to, but unless I win the lottery sometime, won't be happening again for a while. They knew who I was when we drove up. ... All "Miss Lowe" ... LOL. I was like , I am so not grown up enough for this!!! Nice one. And then we got dressed up and went for dinner and ordered CHAMPAGNE... We had a bottle of Mumm's, it was delicious, again, something I could get used to...., and of course we got our shoes polished for free (overnight) LOL....Brad and I had some really good talks and also really just enjoyed each other. Brad tooks some pics of the amazing lake and scenery and some of us, once I get them, I will try and post them. And oh yah, THANKS to the ASSHOLE company that shall remain SOULLESS and nameless for the awesome Hoity Toity weekend....The best revenge is living well, correct?
So apart from having an amazing weekend and drive back, I went and saw my shrink again yesterday, she is really good, no bullshit for her. Which I like. I have decided to take some more time off, maybe all of November, I am still just trying to get some sense of normalcy in my life (I know, as if that has EVER happened), but I really need to catch my breath.
So I am chillin, sleeping, and spacing out in general. I still feel not quite myself, but each day gets better, I am just so grateful that I am able to take some time for my own self and regain my sense of self.
The boys are good, I am fine and Brad continues to be the best ever. and oh yah! Congrats to Brad, the wonder boyfriend, he just scored a sweet gig teaching his fave grade (3) at an inner city school for the rest of the school year! He rocks....

Word for the week: KINDNESS, something I continue to try and cultivate and something all the people I admire have/are.

No bounce in the pounce... sigh.

So, it's official, I am depressed. LOL... That isn't funny, but I guess it took a professional to tell me that for me to get it. So much has happened and I just keep going... and then it all catched up with me (uh, that would be CAUGHT up with me, apparently I am losing my language skills as well...)and I go POOF. So all is fine, I am just taking some time off to rest, regroup and catch my breath. I found a really good counsellor, she is not a quack or a native lover... (That is another story).... Unfortunately she told me there are no short cuts to getting back on my feet, I just have to take the time and take care of myself. Luckily, I have some $$ so I can take a little time off. I don't want to take too much time, but at least until the end of the month. My homework for this week is to do something special for my own self every day. That is harder than it sounds!!! What I want to do is stuff, for instance, reorganize my spare room. But that is not enjoyable or relaxing it is make busy work. I will do it, but that is not something for my own self. So today, I am not sure what I am going to do. Yesterday I gave myself a pedicure with BRIGHT RED SPARKLY nailpolish...
Brad and I are going to Calgary/Lake Louise tomorrow and I am really looking forward to it, I think we both need it. Brad has been working really hard and his main four footed gal, Miss Ella has sore toes, so that worries him. She will get treatment and be all fine, but it still worries her papa.
I am FINALLY signed up for orientation at the Edmonton Humane Society for early November, I am SSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooo HAPPY about that. I NEED DOG LOVE from the fur babes. I will be SOOO happy to get back into walking the fur babes and spoiling them. So these are all good things to be happy about.
That's all for now... I am looking at tattoos for my own self right now, that is SPECIAL... 40th coming up and I can't wait to get my 1/4 sleeve tatt. I have NO idea what to get, it has to be extra special because I am PSYCHED about turning 40... any ideas people????

Word for the Week: JOY, cause I think we all need some. It's a good thing. No I am not Martha Stewart but I did "cook" for Brad last night. I "made" salad... LOL!!!!!!

Stagnant: characterized by lack of development, advancement, or progressive movement

Oh good lord... I am jobless - AGAIN. or should I say AS USUAL... I quit the contract job I had that is a block away from me. One of the high maintenance snobs (Snob : One who affects an offensive air of self-satisfied superiority in matters of taste or intellect ) hung up on me, because he was wrong and I was telling him he was wrong. So, I quit. Not so much because of this loser, but because of a lot of undefined things that had accumulated over the last month. I am just listless, unengaged and on the verge of depression. The rest of my life is great, the boyfriend is AMAZING and we are building a nice relationship. He is still the only guy that I have ever dated, that I acutally like as a friend and admire as a person, and I want to pounce him every chance I get and the pouncing is GOOD!
Okay, that aside.... I think so much has happened in the last 6 months, MOVING, GETTING FIRED, MOVING AGAIN, GETTING A LAWYER, WINNING, all that and I am not talking to Cielia (best friend) right now :(
I think I have just been so intent on getting THROUGH all this crap and now it is catching up with me. I am not boo-hooing, just hurting a little. So I am going to take some time off (probably just the rest of the month) and recoup and lick my wounds. Also, I am going to get some counselling, it usually helps and invariably they say "stop being so hard on yourself"... It is a balancing act and not one that I have mastered yet. I finally have my settlement $$$, they had to put a hold on the money but I have access to it now. I am not rich by any means, but I don't have to worry for the moment, which is a blessing. So for now, I am just gonna try and lay low, bedazzle some more stuff (sparkles make EVERYTHING better) and chillax. Or try anyway. The boys will be either happy or mad that the mama is around, knowing old yin and yang, probably both. LOL.
Keep on rockin in the free world.
Word for the Week: Pantaloons, cause that is one of my favorite words and I like saying it and I like it when pets have PANTALOONS!!!

So Good or No Good? SO GOOD!

Hello out there in blogland.
I don't think anyone actually reads this, I know of a few kind souls that take pity and read this. So thank you!!!
Well, check this out. I have been in Edmonton, ONE WHOLE MONTH!!! As of TODAY!... Weird. Sometimes, I think I am still in Fort McMurray only because I am unfamiliar with Edmonton still, but let me tell you, there is none of the yuckiness here. People are normal. And I know where all the North Side Shopping malls are. LOL... All the important stuff. I have not explored the neighborhood too much yet, although there seems to be lots of coffee shops and restaurants, so that is all good. And the FABULOUS, HOT and HANDSOME beau lives 4 minutes away, and that is WALKING to his place... Sometimes I get lazy and drive, how bad is that???
I got my settlement money from the ASSHOLE company that fired me that shall remain soulless and nameless... Weird... Very Weird. However, Brad and I are going to Chateau Lake Louise and staying in a SUPER Luxurious room all courtesy of the soulless nameless company. So thanks MOTHERCHUCKERS.... LOL!
I get to go sofa shopping now, I am sooo psyched. I want a sofa with Chaise. I have always loved chaise lounges. I really want one. Although the rest of my stuff is all old and out of date, but it will be SOOO awesome to be able to LOUNGE... sigh.
Oh yah, I just had a phsyical after not having a doctor for like 5 years. I am ALL fine and healthy, except I have really low iron so I am taking prescription iron supplements. So lots to be grateful for... I am one lucky girl and I am REALLY grateful.....
Word for the Week: BUNtocks... to celebrate bunalicious bootays.

The Monkey and the Potato

Life in Edmonton is still going well. I have been here 3 weeks now. I still don't have a couch, so that sucks, it is hard to lounge on a couple of metal patio chairs....However, I have not been lounging that much. Life is busy but good. I have a FABULOUS new boyfriend, who is not only supremely my type and totally pounceworthy, he is also kind, smart, sweet, thoughtful, funny, EXTREMELY CUTE.... and more. I love that he is smart, I didn't realize how important that is to me.

I am lucky to work with some really smart people too. I can't tell you how relieved I am not working in the oil and gas industry. I am contract at a Management Consultant firm. They are, believe it or not, a block away from my home, so I get to come home and flash the pets at lunch time. LOL.

I just started a continuing education course last night, it is called "Getting out of your own way". I am trying to explore why I am so hesitant about jumping on the Dog Business band wagon. The lady that facilitates the class is really interesting, young, and has taken a million courses in alternative therapies and approaches. We will be using meditation and self hypnosis. She called me over after the first class because as we went around and introduced ourselves, we had to say a blurb about ourselves. I found it interesting that everyone started off with what they do for work. I sure don't define myself by the work I do. Don't get me wrong, it has afforded me a nice lifestyle so far, but it does not engage me on many levels that are important to me. When introducing myself I told everyone I had just moved to Edmonton 3 weeks ago (!!!!!) and that I wanted to start my own dog business and I am a secretary. I got the most reaction, I think because I just moved here and because I want a dog business. Anyway, the facilitator lady talked to me after class and really put me on the spot about what I want to do with dogs. It was interesting. I haven't defined it and I don't know why. Maybe a pet nanny, maybe a dog walker, maybe a doggy daycare.
My task in the next week is to put down on paper some ideas. I have not done that to date, so I think it will help. I really need to define what it is I want and then I know I will have a better chance of making it come to life.
I have applied to volunteer at the Edmonton Humane Society, although I think they probably have a big waitlist, I had to wait for about 3 months before I got into the Calgary Humane Society, I NEED dog love!!!!
okay, peace out people.

Word for the week: FABULOUSITY