Meh...
Urgh. I hate Christmas. but i love Christmas. Well I used to love Christmas. I love what Christmas is supposed to be about. Giving, loving, being with those you love. I have the WORST screwed up feelings about Christmas, at least my hair is not falling out anymore. Up until about 2 years ago, my hair used to start falling out in September and I had really thin hair at Christmas and I don't even celebrate Christmas. I know that all the screwed up-ness is from my family. It is just constantly shoved in your face that you should be with your family. And I used to LOVE christmas sooo much when my mom was alive, she made it so special and it really was about being together. I also hate the commercialism, it totally sucks. I am HAPPY to not get Christmas Presents. I like to give them though...
Every year (except 2) in the last 15 years I have been alone on Christmas. I am lucky enough that people always ask me for Christmas but it is just a huge reminder of what I have lost. I have kind of made peace with it, but I still have no clue whether or not I am going to Brad's for Christmas this year. I know, I seem like I am looking a gift horse in the mouth, but my feelings are not going to change over night and I don't know if I will feel better or worse. It is a positive thing, but rife with unknowns. I have discussed with Brad just coming over for Christmas Dinner with his family. I am really seriously thinking about it.
I am currently sitting here working on my (sometimes) annual Christmas CD. I am loving the music, but it also makes me sad. Blah. Blah Blah... Of course my shrink wants me to journal about Christmas, but on top of not feeling well enough yet, I told her I am doing enough by making Christmas gifts, and by considering going to Brad's, if she really knew me she would know that THESE facts alone make it a Christmas miracle itself.
Okay, enough bah-humbuggery. ...
Pirate went to the vet and we special ordered the "SPECIAL" pellets he prefers. Of course, he has expensive taste and you cannot get these pellets in stores, but he is sooo worth it.
Brad, the wonder boyfriend is amazing and so wonderful, I am still truly blessed.
Of COURSE, I am not working... Blah that stupid goverment job was a joke. I HATE temp agencies.... Urgh. I don't even want to think about it.
I still have not met Miss Ella Toes, but I cannot wait to molest her.
All is fine. I need to get over my own self. sigh.
Word for the week: FEARLESS - what I hope to be once again... Now I am more on the mouse side and I hate it.... ACK to pussyfooting... BLAH ACK, MEH! and FEH! okay...
I am grateful for all the love I have right now... I REALLY need to get over my own self....
Every year (except 2) in the last 15 years I have been alone on Christmas. I am lucky enough that people always ask me for Christmas but it is just a huge reminder of what I have lost. I have kind of made peace with it, but I still have no clue whether or not I am going to Brad's for Christmas this year. I know, I seem like I am looking a gift horse in the mouth, but my feelings are not going to change over night and I don't know if I will feel better or worse. It is a positive thing, but rife with unknowns. I have discussed with Brad just coming over for Christmas Dinner with his family. I am really seriously thinking about it.
I am currently sitting here working on my (sometimes) annual Christmas CD. I am loving the music, but it also makes me sad. Blah. Blah Blah... Of course my shrink wants me to journal about Christmas, but on top of not feeling well enough yet, I told her I am doing enough by making Christmas gifts, and by considering going to Brad's, if she really knew me she would know that THESE facts alone make it a Christmas miracle itself.
Okay, enough bah-humbuggery. ...
Pirate went to the vet and we special ordered the "SPECIAL" pellets he prefers. Of course, he has expensive taste and you cannot get these pellets in stores, but he is sooo worth it.
Brad, the wonder boyfriend is amazing and so wonderful, I am still truly blessed.
Of COURSE, I am not working... Blah that stupid goverment job was a joke. I HATE temp agencies.... Urgh. I don't even want to think about it.
I still have not met Miss Ella Toes, but I cannot wait to molest her.
All is fine. I need to get over my own self. sigh.
Word for the week: FEARLESS - what I hope to be once again... Now I am more on the mouse side and I hate it.... ACK to pussyfooting... BLAH ACK, MEH! and FEH! okay...
I am grateful for all the love I have right now... I REALLY need to get over my own self....
posted by Cougarific at 6:01 p.m.
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