phooey
Okay, so what the hell is my problem? I am so off my game, I feel FOREIGN to myself. I don't feel like myself at all. Where is the strong, confident, glamazon? I have become a tired, cranky, scared whale. I don't know what happened, or how it happened.
I am really out of it. I am not unhappy, just not happy. I am not depressed. I am indifferent. My job is just like all the other jobs out there. The work is fine, I am not unhappy with the work. The people are nice, just not welcoming. I feel completely out of touch, like a complete outsider. I am so over it. I am no longer joining in. I am so over extending myself for nothing. Being contract is a double edge sword. You are not in, you are not out. I just am. I know that I am better off where I am, but I am so OVER being underpaid. SO over it. It is totally bashing my confidence.
I have been sick for 2 months. Like really sick, unwell. Really unwell. I have had a nonstop cold for 2 months. I went to the doctor and they had nothing to offer. I am trying to self medicate, trying everything, but I just can't get over it. I had a run in with an individual at work, and it really affected me. I went for a counselling session and the counsellor was a total nutso who did not listen to me totally screaming for help. I feel alone, I feel like I want to withdraw further into myself. I reach out for help and it is like I get a fucking kick in the pants. I don't know how to fix myself, I don't even know where to start.
I really just want to be alone. I am so grateful for Brad, he is amazing, but this is a lot for him, I can't even vocalize what my problem is, how is he supposed to know. I feel stranded.
I still hate this city. The only reason I am here is Brad. I know I need to embrace it but I don't know where to start.
I want to go out and try a class or join a gym but I am terrified of being taken advantage of, meeting weirdos, and then kicking myself for trying. Pretty self defeating cycle, eh? Everything since I left Calgary has been a bad decision. I don't trust myself anymore. EXCEPT FOR BRAD, of course. He is my saving grace, but that is a huge responsibility and it is not fair. We still have so much fun together, but I have been sick for so long, that all I want to do is rest and try and get well and nothing is working. I am so tired.
I don't know what to do.
P.S. This is seriously the saddest thing I have written for a long time. I am not depressed, I am sad and broken.
I am really out of it. I am not unhappy, just not happy. I am not depressed. I am indifferent. My job is just like all the other jobs out there. The work is fine, I am not unhappy with the work. The people are nice, just not welcoming. I feel completely out of touch, like a complete outsider. I am so over it. I am no longer joining in. I am so over extending myself for nothing. Being contract is a double edge sword. You are not in, you are not out. I just am. I know that I am better off where I am, but I am so OVER being underpaid. SO over it. It is totally bashing my confidence.
I have been sick for 2 months. Like really sick, unwell. Really unwell. I have had a nonstop cold for 2 months. I went to the doctor and they had nothing to offer. I am trying to self medicate, trying everything, but I just can't get over it. I had a run in with an individual at work, and it really affected me. I went for a counselling session and the counsellor was a total nutso who did not listen to me totally screaming for help. I feel alone, I feel like I want to withdraw further into myself. I reach out for help and it is like I get a fucking kick in the pants. I don't know how to fix myself, I don't even know where to start.
I really just want to be alone. I am so grateful for Brad, he is amazing, but this is a lot for him, I can't even vocalize what my problem is, how is he supposed to know. I feel stranded.
I still hate this city. The only reason I am here is Brad. I know I need to embrace it but I don't know where to start.
I want to go out and try a class or join a gym but I am terrified of being taken advantage of, meeting weirdos, and then kicking myself for trying. Pretty self defeating cycle, eh? Everything since I left Calgary has been a bad decision. I don't trust myself anymore. EXCEPT FOR BRAD, of course. He is my saving grace, but that is a huge responsibility and it is not fair. We still have so much fun together, but I have been sick for so long, that all I want to do is rest and try and get well and nothing is working. I am so tired.
I don't know what to do.
P.S. This is seriously the saddest thing I have written for a long time. I am not depressed, I am sad and broken.
posted by Cougarific at 6:12 p.m.
0 comments
