So who the hell am I anyway?

Who am I? Good question. I am almost 40...and I still feel like a kid, although I am a responsible person and a hard worker and I try hard every day to be a better person, I still feel like I am about 16. I am not worried about getting older, in fact I love it. I think that I am here to learn, learn whatever I can about whatever it is I am experiencing, thinking, feeling... It's tough when you are being really challenged and everything you ever thought about yourself is totally called out. It's tough, but I am trying to look at the excitement of trying new things, exploring, not being afraid of the unknown. I think I have a good amount of fearlessness but that is coupled with an even greater amount of lack of forethought. I have always been the cat with 99 lives! Yes, 99 not 9 lives!! I always seem to land on my feet although being up in the air before the landing can be scary. A psychic once told me that what I considered luck, was plain stubborness on my part... I believe him, I am very strong willed.
Well, about my family life. I am Cree Indian from a Northern Alberta Band. I was given up at birth, lived in a foster home for 16 months and then was adopted by a white family. So I was the youngest of 4, and the only adopted child. I never felt left out or not included, I felt really lucky to grow up in the family that I had. Although as an adult things changed and now I don't even talk to my family. My mom (yes, the mom I grew up with, not my biological mother) died 15 years ago and our family completely shattered. I was 24 when my mom passed away and being the youngest and the only adopted and brown child, I was extremely sheltered. I had to do a lot of growing up and see that my family was not perfect, that they were in fact, human. Once I did that, I was able to love them in a way that was a lot more mature, even if it meant the pedestals were gone. Unfortunately, the same was not true for them. I found out that I was not to challenge the role that I was given. I was not to forge my own path and identity. But of course, we all have to do that when we grow up. For the most part of the last 15 years, I have had an on and off relationship with my family, however, mostly off; and now I have made my peace with that. It makes me sad although I don't miss them, I miss what I thought I had. Although I am happy to report that the person I am becoming is due to my own hard work and desire to be a good person, I can be proud of who I am becoming and not say that my family made me this way or that, it was all my own choice to continue to choose goodness. One of my favorite sayings in regards to my family is "the best revenge is living well". Although my motivation is not revenge, my motivation is to not be boo-hooing in the corner about how my family ruined my life. That is just bogus and gives them too much power. If anything they have motivated me to be successful on my own terms. I guess that does sound more like a 40 year old than a 16 year old... Shit, I really am turning 40.... aaaiiieeeee!!!!

Words for the day: "STICK IT TO THE MAN"... I hate the man.

Sweet Fancy Moses!

Okay, what the hell is going on around here... I was 'terminated' from my job just over a week ago. I have a lawyer now and hopefully will get a satisfactory outcome. Of course, I was fired without cause and have never been fired before in my life... I am speechless and stupefied. So now I moved to this hellhole for this job and now I am stuck here, about to be homeless and now jobless. I can't make any sense of this. I am trying to 'learn' whatever lessons there are in this, but I am really having a hard time with it.
It really bites here.

Why am I in this handbasket? and why is it going so fast?.....

Well, I had some friends ask me how Fort McMurray is... I said it smells like ass, everyone looks and acts like ass and let's not get started on work.....
I know, that's not very nice, but I find it really frustrating here. The service is TERRIBLE just about everywhere and again with the sense of entitlement.
I had a best friend, Cielia and I was like, Well, I don't LIVE here... She was like, yah you live in a place in Egypt called DeNial (the Nile - get it). I absolutely refuse to admit I actually live here. Even when I exist here, I still don't live here. It is very surreal. Like I am still waiting for my life to happen, but I know it ain't gonna happen here. I was talking with a colleague (one of my faves) and he is fairly new to rotation, he lives in camp mon-thurs and goes to Calgary on weekends, but he feels the same. We both admitted we need to "embrace" this, or else we are just going to make it tougher on ourselves, but neither of us can bring ourselves to it.
What is the secret? Can anyone tell me?
I am trying to do things for myself that usually make me happy, but it is just depressing here. One of my biggest things and the love of my life is DOGS! I volunteered at the Calgary Humane Society since 2003 and was a dog walker and did special events. I also worked 2 jobs for all of 2005 just so I could go and work at Doggie Daycare for the summer at $8 an hour, but it was awesome... The first thing I did when I came for my tour to Fort McMurray was go straight to the SPCA and get a volunteer form.
Well, I finally made it up there (had to buy a car first, one of the main reasons I bought my first car at almost 40), and the SPCA here is SOOOOOOOOO depressing. The dogs have pretty much had Parvo since I moved here two months ago, which is a deadly disease, so I can't even see them. The place smells abysmal. I know that they are doing the very best they can, but my first time there I just wanted to leave it was so depressing. However, I have a new mission, I am going to find out what they need and start a grassroots campaign to do what I can to get them what they need. I am not afraid of hard work and cleaning, (except my own house!), so I am determined to do what I can to make the lives of those pets better. I remind myself that I am not there for myself, I am there to hopefully brighten the day of some poor critters that need love, all they can get.
Okay, I need to snap out of it. I hate being this negative... It is not healthy.
Anyway.... I hope while this blog grows that my happiness and learning in and about Fort McMurray grows too.

Word for the day: ASS

My own style issues....

Well, since moving here to Fort McMurray, I have learned to love my inner slob. I am actually now really well acquainted and almost on a friendly basis with my inner slob...

The reason I got to know my inner slob:

I have to get up at 5:00 AM to catch the bus to work, I leave shortly after 5:30 AM and then I get home from work just after 6:00 PM... so, a 12 hour day (including traveling) is not conducive to being a glamazon (my other alter ego). I work in a trailer.. A BIG multi office trailer, but a trailer nonetheless. Everyone wears jeans because it is a dustbowl and you actually will stick out like an idiot if you look like you have tried at all... Plus it really isn't worth it. I am not trying to impress any cute boys on my lunch break, because there is only a dirt parking lot to go to for your lunch break.

My friends back home know me as the one with all the trendy accessories and cute "outfits", and over 60 colors of nailpolish (for my toes, I love my feet!). Here, I own and wear RUNNERS... LOL... runners... My first day at my work site, I was wearing a dressed down "outfit", but once I got on the bus, and it was covered in dirt and dust, I was all "My outfit"!!!

The other reason I am friendly with my inner slob:

Priorities shift, when you are overtired and just need to run out for something, the last thing you want to do is make an effort to get noticed.

When there is nowhere to go on the weekends when you actually do have time, and the boys are not worth a "mrowr", let alone a pounce, why bother?

I am sure there are some really nice hardworking cute boys somewhere around here, but there is such a sense of entitlement here, like I make so much money, I am EXCELLENT... well, duh, we are all here for the money and we all make pretty good coin... Money should just be a non-issue, but it's not.

I know, I know, I am totally contradicting myself. I am just trying to make sense of what the hell I am doing here, how I got here and how am I going to keep my Glamazon / Cougar standards in this one horse town...

My best friend from Calgary says that no way should I lower my standards to fit in; and I agree in principal, but in practical terms... it really seems like a lot of work for not much payback. I also thought that I was happy and enjoying doing all these nice things for myself, but here it brings me no joy, just makes me feel redundant, excessive...

Well, I dunno. Do I make friends with my inner slob? or stay acquaintances?

I will always be a Glamazon and Cougar at heart... but a sloppy Glamazon? A less then immaculate Cougar? I dunno... I think that is the contradiction.

P.S. my word for the week is: ka-boom!!! (the sound of my head exploding - memories of my first 4 weeks here)