So who the hell am I anyway?
Who am I? Good question. I am almost 40...and I still feel like a kid, although I am a responsible person and a hard worker and I try hard every day to be a better person, I still feel like I am about 16. I am not worried about getting older, in fact I love it. I think that I am here to learn, learn whatever I can about whatever it is I am experiencing, thinking, feeling... It's tough when you are being really challenged and everything you ever thought about yourself is totally called out. It's tough, but I am trying to look at the excitement of trying new things, exploring, not being afraid of the unknown. I think I have a good amount of fearlessness but that is coupled with an even greater amount of lack of forethought. I have always been the cat with 99 lives! Yes, 99 not 9 lives!! I always seem to land on my feet although being up in the air before the landing can be scary. A psychic once told me that what I considered luck, was plain stubborness on my part... I believe him, I am very strong willed.
Well, about my family life. I am Cree Indian from a Northern Alberta Band. I was given up at birth, lived in a foster home for 16 months and then was adopted by a white family. So I was the youngest of 4, and the only adopted child. I never felt left out or not included, I felt really lucky to grow up in the family that I had. Although as an adult things changed and now I don't even talk to my family. My mom (yes, the mom I grew up with, not my biological mother) died 15 years ago and our family completely shattered. I was 24 when my mom passed away and being the youngest and the only adopted and brown child, I was extremely sheltered. I had to do a lot of growing up and see that my family was not perfect, that they were in fact, human. Once I did that, I was able to love them in a way that was a lot more mature, even if it meant the pedestals were gone. Unfortunately, the same was not true for them. I found out that I was not to challenge the role that I was given. I was not to forge my own path and identity. But of course, we all have to do that when we grow up. For the most part of the last 15 years, I have had an on and off relationship with my family, however, mostly off; and now I have made my peace with that. It makes me sad although I don't miss them, I miss what I thought I had. Although I am happy to report that the person I am becoming is due to my own hard work and desire to be a good person, I can be proud of who I am becoming and not say that my family made me this way or that, it was all my own choice to continue to choose goodness. One of my favorite sayings in regards to my family is "the best revenge is living well". Although my motivation is not revenge, my motivation is to not be boo-hooing in the corner about how my family ruined my life. That is just bogus and gives them too much power. If anything they have motivated me to be successful on my own terms. I guess that does sound more like a 40 year old than a 16 year old... Shit, I really am turning 40.... aaaiiieeeee!!!!
Words for the day: "STICK IT TO THE MAN"... I hate the man.
Well, about my family life. I am Cree Indian from a Northern Alberta Band. I was given up at birth, lived in a foster home for 16 months and then was adopted by a white family. So I was the youngest of 4, and the only adopted child. I never felt left out or not included, I felt really lucky to grow up in the family that I had. Although as an adult things changed and now I don't even talk to my family. My mom (yes, the mom I grew up with, not my biological mother) died 15 years ago and our family completely shattered. I was 24 when my mom passed away and being the youngest and the only adopted and brown child, I was extremely sheltered. I had to do a lot of growing up and see that my family was not perfect, that they were in fact, human. Once I did that, I was able to love them in a way that was a lot more mature, even if it meant the pedestals were gone. Unfortunately, the same was not true for them. I found out that I was not to challenge the role that I was given. I was not to forge my own path and identity. But of course, we all have to do that when we grow up. For the most part of the last 15 years, I have had an on and off relationship with my family, however, mostly off; and now I have made my peace with that. It makes me sad although I don't miss them, I miss what I thought I had. Although I am happy to report that the person I am becoming is due to my own hard work and desire to be a good person, I can be proud of who I am becoming and not say that my family made me this way or that, it was all my own choice to continue to choose goodness. One of my favorite sayings in regards to my family is "the best revenge is living well". Although my motivation is not revenge, my motivation is to not be boo-hooing in the corner about how my family ruined my life. That is just bogus and gives them too much power. If anything they have motivated me to be successful on my own terms. I guess that does sound more like a 40 year old than a 16 year old... Shit, I really am turning 40.... aaaiiieeeee!!!!
Words for the day: "STICK IT TO THE MAN"... I hate the man.
posted by Cougarific at 9:59 p.m.
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